Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   early reports of an earthquake in LA turned out to just be Kim Kardashian dropping a deuce...

   Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.

   People mistake my shyness for unapproachability, and I'm totally okay with that.

   Apparently, guys who play the banjo haven't heard of an instrument called 'the guitar' which tends to drown the player in a sea of puss y.

   why does the microwave plate stay cool but my plate is 500 f ucking degrees??

   I slept so hard last night the Geico caveman was under me when I woke up...

   The worst part about watching porn on your smart phone is getting interrupted by texts from your mother...

   Still trying to figure out how Cee-Lo wipes his ass.

   Hey, if it doesn't work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever.

   Okay, women, so it's: Be nice, but not too nice; be sweet, but not a wuss; & take control, but don't control you? Got it! (I don't got it)

   Never turn your back on a charging turtle.

   Women cant play football, well because no women like wearing the same outfit as other females!

   pick up line of the day: thank you for being absolutely beautiful.

   So your neighbors having 3pm afternoon sex next door loud, and your best solution is turning up your porn louder to send them a msg?

   There's something I need to get off my chest: Darned Cheetos crumbs....

   has an easy solution for anyone who hasn't been laid in a long time - conjugal visits.

   Listen. If you're ever asked if you've taken deer antler extract, "No. Never." isn't quite as convincing as "WTF is deer antler extract?"

   I took some deer antler extract once. Made me horny...

   Stop trying to make small talk with me in an elevator. It's 2013, .... Stare at your phone like a normal person.

   ‎The vastness that is the universe is within everyone's grasp, if they but only have the vision to see beyond its infinite yet attainable horizons.(I wanted to see how full of it I could get)