Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being offended is a personal decision that you can choose not to make. The ones who are offended by things are attention-seeking drama queens.

   Almost a 1000 posts, And all I got was this lousy t-shirt.. Well, It's not really a t-shirt, more of a hospital gown. And this afternoon, I get to go for a supervised walk.

   The worst part of our relationship is... I started loving her for the day I saw her...And She started loving me from the day she lost me..

   As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.

   I'm completely indifferent when you call me big poppa

   My biggest fear is dying and becoming a ghost that has to go around and get people to try my blueberry cereal.

   Why does Facebook even give me the option to 'Like' my own status? Of course I like my status, I'm Hilarious! ...and Sexy.

   n't it ironic when you put THE and IRS together it beomes "theirs"? hmmm

   Different ways to say "NO": German: Nein - Russian: Niej - Arabic: La - Women: Yes, but ...

   My wife gets annoyed with my long showers. I told her they could be 10-15 minutes shorter if she joined me.

   Denims are my favourite hand sanitizers.

   The idiot in me likes you.

   assumes "don't try this at home" really means do it at a friend's house or when your parents aren't around.

   They told me I can catch more flies with honey than with vingar. I said "I can catch even more with manure, whats the point?"

   A BJ a days keep the sluts away from my man...

   I bet you can't say "cops" without moving your mouth!

   What's 100 ft long and has 20 teeth?.................... The funnel cake line at the Maine State Fair.

   "I'll need a table for 5 and napkins for 70.".... -- Me, with my wife and kids entering any restaurant--

   Anyone else noticing a pattern of flies being attracted to Obama?

   Making moral decisions based on money will leave you emotionally poor.