Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet Rihanna will be on the cover of Chris Brown's greatest hits CD.

   I think my Nintendo Wii character is depressed from my lack of playing. When I logged on he had a full beard and had a Nickelback shirt on.

   Wanna help me test out my new guillotine? I'll do all the hard work, you can just lie there...

   My legs always feel like jelly after sex. It must be all the running beforehand.

   I think someone may be sending me death threats. Woke up this morning with a Tesco burger on my pillow.

   Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.

   Seems like you could save a lot of time if you just paired The Bachelor with The Bachelorette.

   We have GPS that can navigate you across the country. Why can't someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?

   Starbucks really isn't that expensive compared to what Victoria's Secret charges per cup.

   So another shooting occurs in another College..... I dont know why we not making the bullets more expensive than college by now

   Grandma learned that 50 Shades of Grey... was not a book about hair colour!

   Everything I know about U.S. history and geography I learned by reading the sides of U-Haul moving trucks.

   The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of ur life, starting now.

   Everyday is a constant struggle to not give in and finally taste one of the dogs Beggin' Strips.

   Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you havent pissed in 8 hrs

   It;s so cold outside that by the time I walked back to the car, the footlong I got at Subway shrunk to a 6 inch.

   Note to self: Mr. Tequila and Mr. Keyboard do not play well together

   Unemployment is up but so are Michelle Obama's BANGS.....

   It's so cold this morning I'm gonna lip sync all day.

   If you need pills to be a parent then you're not a parent. You're a child yourself.