Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.

   who pays for the electric bill for light at the end of the tunnel??

   well, my wife got her annual breast x-ray today and my suspicions were confirmed. Slinkys...

   I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.

   Major cold front heading our way with significant wind chills... shrinkage is imminent

   my brain is like a prison....has all those cells & they dont all get used all the time

   there another Harbaugh brother out there who the Bengals can hire? I'd even settle for a cousin.

   Baby, I would take a bullet for you... In Halo 4... Unless I'm on a kill streak.

   Being strong-willed does NOT mean I am a b itch. It means I am in control of my life, stick to what I believe in and do NOT rely on anyone but myself.

   Nicki Minaj, a judge on American Idol we are being Punk'd right?

   So thankful for Facebook! Otherwise I would have to call 563 people every morning to let them know that I just ate breakfast

   Why don't chicken breast have nipples?

   Get rich or die trying. If all else fails, start your own church.

   Women are NOT difficult to understand.................. They're impossible to understand.

   Your vag is like an elevator. Everyones gone up in it.

   It's freezing outside. I hear by declare January Nipple Awareness Month.

   men insult their friends but don't really mean it. Women compliment their friends but don't really mean it...

   OH NO! It is January and cold outside. Has the world gone mad?

   Women don't care about thing like how much money you make, what you drive or where you live at. Who am I kidding, even the female homeless go after the homeless guy with the most stuff..

   Golly, I'm not quite sure if it's cold outside. Could someone please post a picture of the temperature in their car? Anyone? ツ