Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jupiter's gravitational pull is so strong that we use it to help thrust our probes deeper into space...

   would probably be classified as a lesbian if it was only based on how much you enjoy eating muffins and cookies.

   Tried to kill a spider with deodorant. He's still alive, but he smells great.

   Marriage. Because your day doesn't have to end at work

   "Daddy, can I have some ice cream?" "No." "Please?" "No." "Why do boys have p enises and girls don't?" "Chocolate or vanilla?"

   My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.

   My teleporter’s broken, I've lost my superpowers, and my sidekick is out of town. Only one last hope for humanity: Must... get.... the... cork... out... of... this... wine.... bottle.....

   I'm confused,, I just got a Chinese lantern with the label "Warning: For outdoors and indoors use only".

   Be Nice to America…or we'll bring democracy to your country.

   Adorable when people think that I’d care enough to hate them.

   Just call him "Pollard the Patriot killer"

   Ever notice the roof of your car is the worst cup holder ever?

   presently poking others but your poke is important to her. Please stay online and your pokes will be returned in the order they were received. Approximate wait time is five minutes.

   This is going to make Thanksgiving uncomfortable next year at the Harbaugh house.

   I'm bored. I think I'll go to WalMart, find a great parking spot and sit in the truck with my reverse lights on for awhile

   This make-up sex stuff was pretty good until she poked me in the eye with the eyeliner stick.

   I bet the kids on Africa are really getting tired of all those leftover Patriots Championship t-shirts.

   Never underestimate my ability to make things weird for everyone involved.

   Rapper: " I'm killing snitches, then I smoke a blunt get high and F*ck they b*tches" *wins award* Rapper; "I just want to thank god..."

   If I had known life was going to be a test I would have cheated more.