Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife yelled my first, middle and last name this morning! Not sure if it was the dirty underwear left on the bathroom floor, the unmade bed, the dirty clothes by the bed, or the dirty dishes . I think I had better go run errands.

   Obama reminds me of ThomasJefferson. He liked some dark meat, too...

   The US beat Canada at hockey this week... In retaliation, a new Nickelback album will be unleashed.. We brought this upon ourselves America.

   there's a million fish in the sea and I'm just worm to attract them!

   Did you know..... President Obama's inaugural parade will feature eight floats, including a Hawaii float to honor his birthplace, an Illinois float to honor the first lady’s home state, and a Kenyan float just to mess with Republicans

   I vehemently deny that I have ever used Status Enhancing Drugs (brb, Oprah is calling...)

   he asked to be the little spoon... so I went home

   20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope and no jobs... Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.

   The difference between being married and being single is when you're single you don't have to listen to anyone snore while not getting laid.

   I'm lonely, but not 'talk to people' lonely.

   How does Justin Bieber have almost 33 million followers? It's gotta be vag pics, because she isn't even remotely funny.

   I did so much crack last night, I broke into my own house. I was halfway out with the TV before I realized it was my place.

   Understanding women is easy, too: Just take calculus, multiply by quantum physics, then divide by E=mc². Also, hold them when they cry. Boom.

   I even lose my panties when I masturbate.

   Whatever you say, dude. Nobody googles reptile porn by mistake.

   Hey girls wearing camoflauge, you can't hide the slutty with that.

   Do they have dressing rooms for you to try on a smart car before you buy it?

   Guys at the gym tryna look BIG by fitting into the smallest shirt possible. Wait, what's that shirt say? Daddy's Little Princess?

   I got a lot more sleep back when phones were only used for calling people.

   If a woman is crying and you don't understand why - congratulations! you're a man now!!