Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Don't bother to ever clean your car. Febreeze vent clips allow you to be as digusting as you want, and you'll never smell it. Why not crap in it?" (The message I got from the commercial. Idiocracy, here we come...)

   FarmersOnly.com. Now there's an alternative to Ancestry.com to meet your cousin

   So Subway's Foot Longs are actually only 11 inches. Hang on while I get my calculator and figure this all out....I've had this many subs over the past several......okay got it...Subway, you owe me a Ten Mile sub.

   Manti T'eo is guilty...of being the biggest dumbass in the world...

   I have a confession too Oprah...

   Now that Lance has come clean, I guess he's qualified to run for election in the House or Senate..

   A stranger phoned me up last night asking me to meet him in the woods because he wanted to see my breasts. Weirdo never showed up

   Now that Lance has come clean, maybe he's qualified to be elected to the House or Senate..

   I have a confession too Oprah. For years I have been stealing s tatuses from all over the Internet and passing them off as my own original thoughts.

   Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. Last time I tried to ride a bike when I was stoned I ended up in a hedge.

   It's really kind of sad we live in a country where we are the most entertained, yet the less informed.

   Why is everyone making a big deal out of the lance armstrong thing. It's not like he cheated at a sport or something jeez...

   my water bottles are so thin it feels like I grabbed a water balloon with a cap. Hand me that piev

   Just saw a homeless woman eating cat food. I really felt bad for her. She couldn't even Instagram it first.

   It's true. Girls just want to have fun. And ruin your life in the process.

   You people freak me out talking about stalking. Especially you.... sitting there in your blue & white striped polo shirt reading that book on your couch.

   If you can fold a fitted sheet, you're obviously a witch

   I'm in my underwear on the porch in a rocking chair drinking my coffee................. Man,, Is this Cracker Barrel packed this morning or what?

   Just so you know the new rules to CPR,,,, there's no more blowing, just pumping,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I know,, It's like the romance is gone

   Sorry I just woke up from a coma,,, and OH MAYA GOD,,, They got the date wrong