Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   likes to start every first date by saying "If this goes well, we might have a baby in 9 months".

   I see where the TSA is removing all the X-Ray scanners from airports. And jsut as soon as they remove the TSA, I'll start flying again!

   Dont worry people, you can still wear your LiveStrong braclets. Just cross out the V.

   YOLO - You Obviously Lack Originality

   "Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket." "I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yogurt." "It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt."

   Guys, if you are ever watching 'Indecent Proposal' and your wife or girlfriend asks: "Would you let someone sleep with me for $1,000,000?" Just lie!!

   this bottle of scotch will mix well with this evening's decisions

   I would lose weight ... But I hate losing ...

   As far as I'm concerned, it was false advertising. When I transferred funds to the seller, I had no idea that I was buying a dog, not a candy factory. Chocolate Lab indeed....

   My imaginary friend is dating Manti Teo's ex-imaginary-girlfriend.

   Manti Teo's story will be airing on Lifetime and Syfi Channel

   Love in 2013 means answering each other’s texts immediately.

   I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.

   My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.

   Strangers think I’m quiet, my friends think I’m outgoing, my best friends know I’m insane.

   I have many talents… For example: Sleeping…and Eating…and damn Drinking!

   Success, it's like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.

   CSI never ceases to amaze me. They are inside and they look all around with flashlights...flick a light on. Now I'm watching and they are outside in broad daylight using their flashlights looking at a puddle of blood.

   Went out last night and got really pissed and wasted. I woke up next to an ugly fat chick who was snoring and farting. At least I got home OK!

   Matching socks ain't nobody got time for that