Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm just sayin it's times like these that I'm thankful for the health of my imaginary girlfriend.... Blessed

   I wish my dog would stop fighting me and just understand that its cold outside and he'd get much better sleep if he was wearing footie pajamas.

   If you thought AJ McCarron's girlfriends breasts were unreal, you should see Manti Te'o's girlfriend's.

   I bet Lance Arnstrong lied about being the first man on the moon too

   Two main qualities of a desperate stalker, ugliness and low self esteem.

   I bought the wife a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel...

    I want to write "I miss you" on a rock and throw it at your face so that you'll know how much it hurts to miss you. 

   I bet Clint Eastwood felt real stupid when he found out it was Manti Te'os girlfriend in that chair & not Obama.

   Good thing Tesco doesn't serve hot dogs.

   Mark Sanchez has imaginary receivers...

   Have you ever tried to k!ll your crazy stalker?

   The only thing more boring than Oprahs interview to Lance Armstrong is watching the tour de france

   being with someone who treats you like dirt really makes you appreciate someone who treats you like a goddess

   relationships are a lot like algebra. have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

   whenever I start to feel adventurous and spontaneous, my bank account tells me to calm the hell down

   the taste of you that lingers in my mouth makes me sick every morning

   "Noooo, I dont do that!!"....are words that wont get a woman a marriage proposal!!!

   Lance Armstrong admitted to Oprah he was Manti Te'o's fake girlfriend.

   Brent Musburger thinks Manti Te'o's girlfriend is hot!

   I wish Taylor Swift would write a song called "Maybe I'm the Problem"