Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I swear....if I get shot by a criminal who didn't obey the gun laws, I am going to be SOOOOO PISSED!

   Before I propose can I see you in your natural form at least once without all the makeup, the fake nails, eye lashes, and hair. Just so I can decide if I am comfortable with what I am dealing with.

   The less people you chill with, the less shi t you have to deal with

   Manti Te'o should change his relationship status on Facebook to "It's Complicated"

   Limited time offer for my middle linebacker friends....I will be your imaginary girlfriend.....but you had better show up at my funeral, dammit.

   Not all mushrooms give you an extra life.

   You can tell all you need to know about a person by whether they bring the banana to their mouth or mouth to the banana.

   FRIDAY......My second favorite F word

   sings (Mele Kalikimaka) Lennay Kekua is really dead today, the sports networks say, Manti is feeling blue, he's wishing this would all go away

   Lots of Catholics are crazy upset about Lennay Kekua being fake. Wait'll they find out about Jesus.

   Dear Abby dies. Ann Landers annouces she was really just an imaginary twin...

   Great innovation idea, pressure-less Air Fresheners. The sound isn't a necessary reminder of what just happened in the loo.

   How come the girls with the sluttiest Facebook pages are the one's who talk the loudest about their Christian values?

   What was a horse doing tasting Tesco Burgers anyway?

   We have no right to ask when a sorrow comes, 'Why did this happen to me?' unless we ask the same question for every joy that comes our way... jest sayin

   I hate those þènîs enhancement emails. I got 10 today. Eight of them were from my girlfriend. It’s the two from my mom that really hurt my feelings.

   Can you people leave me Alone!!! I already talked to Oprah.......

   My wife said to me "Look, I need to talk to you about your fixation with sh it". "Pull up a stool," I replied.

   Girl, are you a drug dealer?? I see a massive crack in you pants.

   Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.