Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Conrad Bain (aka Mr. Drummond) has died. A family spokesperson said he suffered a series of small strokes, all of them a little different.

   The greatest trick Lennay Kekua ever pulled was convincing the world she didn’t exist

   Hi spider. Nice spider.... Let me pet you, WITH MY SHOE!.... Haha spider,,, Dead spider..."

   If you’re not getting laid on a regular basis, Facebook is not going to solve the problem. If anything its going to make it worse.

   Sometimes I get so hungry that I eat a sandwich without having sex first.

   So I assume the holes in fly swatters are there to give flies a fighting chance?

   Just because you're over sensitive doesn't mean people are mean and offensive. Get a thicker skin and a sense of humour, douchebag.

   I've been practicing making sandwiches with handcuffs on because I like to be prepared.

   I just wrote "your" instead of "you're", now I have to knock out my teeth and live in a trailer.

   I'm gonna be honest, I don't even know where girls pee from.

   If we are having sex and you say "give me all of it" I'll automatically assume you mean my money.

   The sex was great, but I faked the cuddle.

   Don't worry about being alone on Valentine's Day. Worry about being alone the rest of your life.

   Well, our relationship didn't work out the first time, maybe the 37th will be the charm. - Couples who are stupid.

   Relationships are like @nal s ex, it looks so much easier in the movies.

   Are you trying to seduce me? I can tell by the way you didn't vomit when I said hi.

   Congratulations on graduating community college! Alright let's practice, I'll ask for a fish filet combo with a sprite, now what do you say?

   I hate that I have to put on clothes to participate in society.

   It's not a recession until your internet is cut off and you have to masturbate to the woman in a red bikini on the Special K box.

   Why God Created women ? To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.