Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm up to 374 online girlfriends!!

   You guys can make all your Manti jokes, but let’s not lose sight of the fact that somebody who never existed is dead.

   Manti..I am a victim too. I watched the National Championship “game”

   You can forget about me trying to get into your pants, I can barely squeeze into my own!

   Unless you can explain how you know me in three words or less, Facebook Friend Request: DENIED.

   What a shock! Got a letter in the mail that read "If you ever want to see you're husband alive again, leave $100,000 in unmarked bills in the trash can on Darby Street". Seriously, does no one know the difference between 'your' and 'you're' anymore?

   Mr. Drummond dead! What you takin bout Willis???

   Well that was a weird phone call. Who in the hell calls people at random and makes farting noises, laughs then hangs up? Wait a minute, I think I used to do that years ago ... maybe not so weird after all.

   Since Manti Teo's girlfriend didn't exist, I really hope AJ McCarron's girlfriend wasn't a hologram.

   After some investigating just found out that Manti's girlfriend real name is Fawn Liebowitz!!

   My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance

   If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.

   I'm pretty sure my mailman isn't on the juice...

   Manti T'eo just emailed me about some Nigerian money he needs some help with...

   “Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.

   so over relationships. I'll just stick to one night stands, no drama that way!

   What do you call a woman that doesn't make me a sandwich? An ambulance.

   The next house I build is gonna be nothing but bathrooms! Just imagine all the fine women that would come over just to take pics!

   We bought a zoo, because we bought some pot.

   taking away a GUN from an American is like taking away a Baguette from a French