Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drunk Girls: Can you take a picture of us? Me: Sure! Drunk Girls: You just took a picture of the floor. Me: It's better this way.

   Now, I'm not making any accusations, here. All I'm saying is it's a little suspicious when a farmer decides to call his pig "Babe"...

   Just checked the burgers in the fridge.... And they're off.....

   I don't know whats worse reading Ikea furniture directions or being a Tooth Pick Salesman in West Virgina

   Had a burger bought from Tesco earlier, got the trots now...

   "Justin Bieber" has 12 letters. So does gayyyyyyyyyy. Coincidence? I think not.

   Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

   I know you shouldn't text and drive but I've only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.

   I'm too tired. Go love someone else.

   People always ask me, where do I come up with my status', do I make them up, or do I get them from the internet.. Truth is people. I use Status Enhancing Drugs.

   Having hemorrhoids isn't so bad. All of the itching gives you something to do with your hands when you quit smoking ツ

   Screw doing sit ups...teddy bears don't and everyone loves them.

   My boobs are nice so I don't have to be.

   So Lance Armstrong admitted to using drugs but he won't admit that he used a car instead of a bike in all his wins.

   I've just read read that Trevor Moore, the CEO of HMV, used to be the CEO of Jessops. I'm guessing that before that he was the navigator on the Titanic.....

   If the driving ability of people on the road today is any indicator of the future of society, we are doomed.

   Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable.

   You know you have problems when you mentally click a "like" button every time you see something that pleases you..

   kudos to Lance Armstrong for having the ball to come clean

   Tesco's Quarter Pounders. The affordable way to buy your daughter that Pony she always wanted.