Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please stop praying for my grandpa you are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their guns don't work on him

   at least one person has to be sane in order for a relationship to work

   Video games ARE to blame for the amount of violence in society. I'm not even comfortable talking about the amount of real life turtles I've jumped on.

   You look me in my eye and tell me that I don't have what it takes to be a Cyclops.

   Let the bros at the urinals around you know everything's alright by nodding and whispering, "that's better."

   Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don't stop long enough for you to reply!

   wonders if dogs do it human style

   My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.

   if the weed did make Lance perform better, those baseball players are gonna feel silly for injecting steroids that shrink their junk

   "Watch what the idiots are doing and do the opposite." ~ Robert Kiyosaki

   an intelligent carbon based lifeform.

   I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pi*sed. Not my fault they don't have Windows.

   I'm never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken...

   I saw a fat guy with a "M.O.B." tattoo on his arm. I asked "money over b*tches?" He said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.

   There was so much drug abuse on the Tour it shouda been called the Tour De Roid.

   A good relationship is when the man thinks twice before every decision the woman makes.

   My wife told me to change my kid’s diaper, but we were at a crowded playground and it was SO much easier to just change kids instead.

   I only do what I’m told when I like what I am told.

   Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn't mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.

   I just got out of bed and decided I'd trim that annoying hair on my eyebrow that kept getting in my eye last night... Now I have half an eyebrow