Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Hold on, I look like S H I T." {grabs Chanel bag}, "OK, better...Let's go" - Some hood rat chick

   You mean you guys don't write for TV sitcoms either?

   ".. So he sayeth unto me 'Taketh NyQuil with the Wine and Ye shall feel the path with your thoughts and hear things with your vision.'"

   It's kind of cool how khaki Dockers and ugly people found each other

   There's creepy, then there's going to a strip club wearing a windbreaker

   I'm gonna wear dockers with my Hawaiian shirt to work this Friday

   There isn't a non-creepy way to compliment a girls feet.

   My mom just called me and told me she has a new boyfriend. Django could be a white name too, right?

   Few things raise suspicion like a black guy in a Mercedes with a ski rack.

   Alternate universe where all the nerds were bullied by the musicians in high school and the jocks protected them. That's where I live

   Dear son, Another hard year on the farm. Father had a stroke, bills are piling up. Are you famous on facebook yet? We are proud of you! -mom

   we can be friends or we can be spiders

   Ladies, please. Enough with the fighting. I have plenty of tentacles for everyone.

   I've accepted every email offer I've ever received. My p3 Nis is now 235 feet long.

   Bought a shirt with three wolves on it. Agressively seeking high fives from strangers.

   I enter a talent show. The judges say I don't have the right stuff. I pull out Tom Wolfe's 1979 book "The Right Stuff." The crowd goes wild.

   *Lance begins to cry. Oprah leans in* I think what you need Lance is a....performance enhancing hug

   Tarantino sounds like a brand of frozen pizzas

   Kanye pulling a fast one on all of us and naming his son Rick

   Cool prank: when a teacher tells you to use your inside voice start talking in tongues and vomiting blood