Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Going to sleep with a t-shirt on is a great way to wake up knowing what a crocodile death roll feels like

   Let's put Congress in front of Oprah...

   If you think about it,, Batman was pretty lazy about naming all his stuff...

   Truthfully, my resume should state,, "when I feel like it" after every skill listed.

   All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of Lay's potato chips.

   This is your ass (_._) This is your ass in prison (_O_) . Any questions? Just say no to crime!

   I don't know about you....but I have thought about running away from home way more as an adult than I ever did as a kid.

   Say what you want about Lance Armstrong, buy I'm proud of him to finally having the ball to come clean.

   Lebron better than Jordan? Ha! Yeah right. Holla at me when Lebron saves the looney tunes from an alien race.

   Found a gray nose hair. Transformation to Gandalf: 1% complete.

   why do people post a pic of every meal that they eat? no one cares...

   McDonald’s should have an express drive thru lane just for people who need french fries.

   I hate when people only talk to me when they need something.

   Wouldn't it be great to hear a priest say "been there, done that" in reply to your confessed sins?

   When McDonalds only give you ONE pack of sauce ... <<< Bi&ch I ordered a 20 piece nugget meal , THE F&CK ima do with ONE pack !?

   If Lance Armstrong and Oprah was ever to have a baby they would name it Dope-rah

   got diagnosed with 12 different mental disorders. my day in a nutshell

   Dear apartment next door, you can either have an infant or a puppy, kill one.

   this girl I went out with must be really strong. She said once she got drunk in college and pulled a train...

   I'm not pressing S H I T for English!!!!!