Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hope everyone that clicks on these “like if you hate cancer” posts get cancer. OK, not really, but I hope they stub their toe…

   I don't care if saying this hurts my reputation:..... The Westboro Baptist Church's tactics are not the best.

   I'm a heavy sleeper... Also, a heavy awaker... Okay, I'm fat.

   Okay...we've seen the 900 pics of your band. Now show us the the three people in your audience.

   Do you the only thing worse than a Patriot fan?.........Two Patriot fans!

   "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best," which would include; projectile diarrhea, pantless Sunday and 'fix me a sammich woman'! Yeah, that's my 'best' ツ

   I love my new phone. I can now undate my status while crossing the stre

   My procrastinators club is getting restless....they think we should start thinking about thinking about maybe meeting.... I think they are too ambitious to be in my club.......

   when I'm with you I hate you but when I'm not with you I miss you

   i have no friends because everyone is in love with me!

   Even at 50 years old, I can still turn a lot of heads. It's mostly to see where the smell is coming from though ツ

   If I hear one more time " Liz meet Brad " on You Tube, I am going to star engineering the electricals.

   Eighteen is too young to get married! You can't even buy alcohol. If you can't drink, how are you going to make your damn marriage work?

   Me: Can you believe that after all that crap they're still together!?! Friend: Who ? Me: My buttcheeks

   If I don't mention you, then the status wasn't about you. But if the shoe fits, then lace it up and wear it.

   Home Alone! Expectation: Party! Party! Reality: Peeing with the door open.

   I wonder when my phone will start listing them as ignored calls instead of missed calls.

   Let's run away together... to my bedroom.

   Error 404: Virginity not found!

   Every time a man makes a poor decision a woman will be there to remind him about it.