Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.

   You know those bugs that fly into your windshield? Those were the married ones.

   How dare you not notice me ignoring you. - women.

   Whoever said, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach" clearly had no idea how to give a stellar blow job.

   Why is it that society gives us the impression that all Brazilian chicks are sluts?

   Just because you've had a lot of lovers doesn't automatically mean you're an ideal one.

   The bigger the ass on a woman, the bigger the morning log in the toilet. Keep that in mind.

   I never fart when I'm with a woman. I'm saving myself for marriage.

   Attracting attention is easy. Attracting something meaningful is another story.

   Most women want to tell the truth about their age, but they just can't believe it themselves.

   I wonder if Steve Jobs is in hell and they've given him a BlackBerry.

   Honey maybe you will feel better if you poop.

   My liver is so black it talks during the entire movie.

   Be original. Don't just walk up to a girl in a bar. Pay bouncers to clear a path & cartwheel up to her. If rejected casually cartwheel away.

   Always make sure you let her know how you feel.. Well, at least what you think she would want you to be feeling.

   If there is anything to be gained this year, I hope it's not weight.

   Go ahead lady, make a scene about how fast the bus driver is trying to get to my stop while I record it on youtube and titled it, Uppercutt Part II - "the story of the left hook"

   I have nothing against Texas. But if Houston doesn't clobber New England today, I'll burn all my ZZ Top albums, forget all about The Alamo, and never eat chili again! Kidding! (About the chili part.)

   So Chris Brown and Rihanna are now Engaged and they have a song together called "Ain't nobody's business." Well, I just wrote my own song called, "Ain't Nobody Cares!"

   That awkwar d moment when your last name is White but you're Black and when your last name is Black but you're White.