Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I'm just sayin. It'd be better without the raisins." ------[ Everything with raisins ]

   I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend…until the LSD wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a parking lot...

   OK FB friends, quit asking questions on FB. You know how the internet works, don't you??

   If you can't say anything nice about someone, then say it very vaguely and put it as your Facebook status ツ

   That incredibly relieving feeling when you have to fart after having the man flu for 4 days, and its only a fart!! Fart roulette.......

   At least I have all day sober to Sunday up.....

   That's right sexy fella, I see you over there, looking at me, locking eyes with me, pointing at me, whispering to the policeman "that's her"......

   if the Miss America contestants all represent their home state, why are they all white and skinny??

   After all that crap I cannot belive they are back together... Who you may ask....The cheeks of my arse

   the hardest job in the world has to be a toothpick salesman. I still have half a box left I bought in 1997!

   Cleaning out my closet while listening to "Cleanin' out my closet" Priceless.

   50% of marriages end in divorce and the other 50% end by a "relationship status" on facebook.

   I love honeymoon but without the marriage.

   I was going to post a picture of the beautiful sunrise this morning but I forgot I'm a lazy sob...

   people who say same exact are dumb stupid...

   One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep $hit.

   It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

   Women may not hit harder, but we hit lower.

   Free to good home: One useless black & white neutered female 9 year old cat. So useless has let 2 mice in this year alone. Doesn't even have to be a good home. Mediocre will do!!

   Real men kill spiders for their women with no goddamn backtalk.