Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well, it looks like that huge asteroid will miss earth. I hope its not too late to contribute to my 401k..

   Arguing with a woman is like getting arrested, everything you say can and will be used against you. So use your right to remain silent...

   That's enough; pregnant women on Facebook showing us their bump.

   Turn on - Woman who knows how to change a tire if she absolutely had to. Turn off - Woman who insists on doing it while I'm standing there.

   Most of the time, people don't need to be fixed, they simply need to be understood.

   Just looked up from my phone. Worst 5 seconds of my life.

   Girls don't ask for much. They want you to be like a Disney prince. So be rich, famous, charming, good-looking and have perfect white teeth.

   Hot chocolate is just normal chocolate that has a modeling career.

   Maybe Taylor Swift should try dating an Arab. It might not work out but at least he'll make sure she doesn't live to write another song.

   I'm not saying I'm lonely, but sometimes I call random numbers for human contact.

   You know that one person you're always thinking about? They don't.

   The difference between men and boys, is men take responsibility for their actions…boys still ask mama if it’s ok.

   Only the married squirrels hurl themselves under car wheels.

   2 wrongs always equal a great night.

   I see your rules, and raise you my complete disregard.

   Dear FB friends, I need your help... I am having a hard time finding the right words to tell my wife (tag wife) that I am cheating on her and have a girlfriend... Any Suggestions???

   someday i'll get that abacus. you can count on it

   The spider in my shower was probably relieved to get washed down the drain after the view of me he got from that angle.

   My favorite vegetable is bacon...

   my husbands winter wardrobe is 50 shades of grey sweat pants...