Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   that Kim Kardashian has had more hands up her skirt than the Muppets.

   People get FAKE, when ish gets REAL.

   Dear People of The World, I don’t mean to sound slutty but use me whenever you want. Sincerely, Proper Grammar.

   After I die, there are some girls on facebook I’m going to haunt the s&it out of.

   They should make a medal for anyone uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.

   That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto-correct is like "I got nothing, man."

   Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.

   You know it's going to be a great story when it starts out with "So, this damn bi&ch..."

   When you click a button you didn't mean to click, so you just kinda hold the click and drag your cursor around hoping it doesn't click.

   My conscience is clear...because I soak it in vodka.

   Find someone who will change your life, not just your damn relationship status.

   A cop stopped me and asked "Do you know why I followed you " so I said "because my tweets are funny" & we laughed & high-fived & I'm in Jail.....

   Arguments started and relationships ended by a simple "Like" on Facebook.

   Never Judge the Beauty Of a Girl By Her Profile Picture. Judge it By the Photos She is Tagged in

   Life and beer are very similar……..chill for best results.

   Met a gal through FarmersOnly.com,went out to supper and then home and plowed half the night

   I just won my 143rd straight dance off against that Walmart greeter.

   Everything in life is temporary , if things are going good , enjoy it , if things are going bad , don't worry , it won't last forever either .... !!

   The government did not write the constitution to give rights to the people. The people wrote the constitution to limit the government's power.

   La, la, la,,♫♪♫,,,,,,I have a structured settlement, but I need crap now....