Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So Taylor Swift is single? Again? Please allow me to express my sincere shock at this sudden and unexpected turn of events.

   I seem to be the only one in the whole house who can figure out the toilet paper and how it gets on that retracting stick

   Soon there will be a lot of deadbeat dads trying 2 make up for lost time by “Liking” their grown kid’s Facebook updates.

   You know, if I slouch in my chair at just the right angle, my fat rolls into a pretty impressive '3-pack'. Heck, I'm half way to sexy town ツ

   So John McCririck is suing Channel 4 because he was replaced by the younger Clare Balding. Could have been worse John. You could have been replaced by a woman.

   Curiosity killed my virginity!

   Facebook. Why are you trying to lure me into people's problems?

   It is time Taylor Swift Exes formed a band & sang replies to her songs.

   do we really need a FB page titled "I Oppose Bullying"?? Does anyone support bullying??

   of course Herbalife is a legitimate company. To prove it, they just hired Lance Armstrong as their new spokesman!!

   I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and then suddenly... She's not your friend anymore.

   Daughter: dad I'm a lesbian Dad: Okay its cool 2nd daughter: dad I'm a lesbian too Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys? Son: I do

   "Nobody move!" -- the name of my stationary store

   any one else creeped out when a grown, single man posts pictures of his dogs all the time??

   "It's being reported that Apple may be making a less-expensive plastic version of their iPhone. They're calling it a Samsung." ~Conan O'Brien.

   You can't beat a beautiful woman who sings, well, uh, unless you're Chris Brown

   You take the Kennedy assassination + That Clinton and Lewinsky thing + A pretty boss lady with small, slutty tendencies and BAM...You got a show on ABC called Scandal.

   I like reverse cowgirl because she can't see me tweeting and updating my Facebook status.

   OMG Scandal is on tonight!!! No not the show on ABC about some crazy government plot theories with every twist and turns......Just another senate meeting about guns and busted

   I can tell how spicy a dish is just by tasting it...