Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Disappointed that Bruno Mars looks exactly like us for someone who comes from another planet.

   Just listened to an Adele song and now I'm eating ice cream and surrounded by 9 cats.

   I love myself but I'm not "post pictures of myself everyday on my Facebook wall" love myself.

   Serious question: do the Kardashians breed like humans or do they lay eggs?

   Remember that things always get worse before they get better. Unless, you know, you die in the process of it getting worse.

   Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it's no biggie by breaking into a jog and don't stop until I'm in a new city with a new life.

   What's the situation with Kony in 2013? Do we still hate the guy?

   I've looked at trash cans that are more attractive than Nicki Minaj.

   I still don't understand why Oprah didn't use "Come to Oprah and Winfrey gifts!" as a slogan for her show.

   Didn't have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.

   You know a girl has been recently dumped when she post stuff like, “I don't need any love from any man. I only need to love and be loved by ONE man. He is the Son of God, JESUS!”

   When I was a child I used to say, "When I grow up I want to be a millionaire" Well I grew up and the rest is history, now all I say is, "When I die, I want to go to heaven" Hope that actually happens.

   Future Perfect Present Tense

   Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.

   Someone wrote "REtARd" on my window this morning. . . took me 3 effin hours to lick it clean :-/

   Going to a concert tonight. Doors open at 7pm, according to the ticket. That's a pretty impressive opening act.

   so after 25 years in the Senate, all of a sudden Biden is all about gun control??

   since none of the "alledged" steriod users got in the baseball HOF, now may not be the best time to come clean Lance...

   They say 9 out of 10 women are battered, and here I am still eating mine plain

   I swear Taylor Swift only dates men for song material.