Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you watch Tarzan with your eyes closed, it's just Phil Collins singing in the jungle.

   The first rule of Zombie Club is: Try not to sprain your ankle.

   Things that you need adequate preparation for: 1. Zombie apocalypse. 2. Alien invasion. 3. A nal sex.

   Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It's pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.

   If you're into girls that shout at the TV as they eat Doritos in their Hello Kitty pajamas, you're gonna fall in love with me so hard.

   I like reverse cowgirl because he can't see me tweeting and updating my Facebook status.

   The phonetic alphabet for BJ is "Bravo Juliette." Which is exactly what I say to my girlfriend after a blow job....

   you can only bring sexy back if you have the receipt and in its original condition and packaging.

   Women: I can't live with them and I can't be straight without them..

   The Chuckle Brothers now work as parking wardens... To meter you.

   You're born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn't finished.

   I’m thinking about becoming an MMA fighter. What’s the tattoo minimum??

   I tripped while getting on the escalator and fell down the stairs.....for 2 hours.

   I seem to spend a lot more time pooping than most people. So my question is, what’s wrong with y’all??

   How high on the douche bag scale is the guy with his polo collar popped??

   A relationship is like a house. If a light bulb goes out, you don’t buy a new house. You fix the light bulb.....Unless the house is a total jerk-off. In that case, you burn that sucker down and buy a better house with good light bulbs.

   I’m just waiting for you to be rich and famous so I can still not like you.

   Look, I'm not saying you’re gay,, I'm saying I've never seen you and gay in the same room at once...

   Remove all the poles if you don't want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

   When my wife is sleeping I open her handbag, take out my balls, pat them & whisper "I know guys I miss you too" then put them back quietly.