Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're on facebook saying you're at the gym, then you're not doing anything gym related.

   watching relationships fall apart on fb is one of my favorite hobbies

   Will trade AR-15 for nice Corvette....

   Thousands of stoners give up smoking weed to avoid having any association with Justin Bieber. Cleverest. Government. Propaganda. Ever.

   I was at a job interview the other day when the guy asked me, "How would you describe yourself in 5 words?" This was a tough one I thought to myself. So after a minute or two I replied, "I'd do it by talking."

   Losing weight is not working for me, so I'm concentrating on getting taller.

   Talk about double standards! When I showed my bud my new harley it's was perfectly acceptable for him to say "That's great! Can I have a go on it?" But when I said the same as he introduced his new girlfriend to me it's a different story.

   If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they put beer in a tit?

   I've been living dangerously for the last couple of weeks. My girlfriend got a new cookbook for Christmas.

   Just thinking about how Notre Dame and most married men have a lot in common. How you ask, Bpth are always trying to score but not making it to the endzone often enough!!

   The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I'm the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don't feel trained for this, and I certainly didn't sign up for the position.

   the next Call of duty will only have knives and bows amd arrows. Thanks Obama!

   Don’t try to rush me while waiting behind me at a Redbox, I will read what every movie is about…twice

   I spend more time hitting the damn snooze button than I do snoozing.

   sometimes the truth is hard to accept so I live in a dream

   Healthy Marriage Tip #43: Apologize for the dream your wife had about you. Yeah, I know... apologize anyway ツ

   With science makes odorless chemicals, why again don't we have odorless alcohol?

   When I run out of whiskey I tend to drink non-alcoholic beverages like beer, wine & rum.

   not sure if I miss my girlfriend, or just really horny.

   Nice to see the government screwing with the public's intelligence about the movie 'Zero Dark Thirty'. Too bad it's total fiction.