Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shutting off your phone is the new walking out of the room

   didn't take sex ed growing up and had to figure things out on his own ...with a can of Crisco and a shot glass. That's the natural way!

   I just got the new RG III wobble leg doll!!

   Did you know that it takes 3 sheep to make one sweater? wow, I didn't even know they can Knit !

   Golden domes over mobile homes. Go Irish!!

   Oh so you're a model? Who's your agent, Instagram?

   All I'm saying is that teasing orthodontic patients does NOT make me a "brace-ist!"

   Just got a new smart phone...but it's RG3 speed is kinda disappointing -It wouldn't stay in my pocket,and now it runs really slow...

   Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men Eve could have married, and she didn't have to hear about how well Adam’s mother cooked.

   If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”

   Throw a surprise party for your town psychic and destroy his reputation

   I took two foreign languages in high school,,,, Spanish and math.

   I've actually done 36 Ninja posts today but nobody's seen them.

   I found my first grey pubic hair today.,,,,Normally things like this don't bother me, but it was in my Big Mac!

   Whew! Twelve miles on the treadmill today! And by "treadmill" I mean "bar stool" and by "miles" I mean "beers."

   Cavemen would feel right at home in the 21st century if they watched our commercials.

   Whatever Dude..I say That By eating this vodka with a spoon it officially becomes a soup and is therefore healthy..... So Kiss Off

   Looks like St. Patrick's day can't come soon enough this year for the Irish!

   Notre Dame is reminding me of high school.......i didnt score either!

   The lonely one offers his hand too quickly to whomever he encounters.