Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll start to believe video games cause people to be violent when I see someone get arrested for killing a pig by slingshotting a bird at it.

   A girl can post a pic on fb where she looks like the south end of a north bound mule, and there will be some guy who'll post, "You're beautiful!"

   I can't express my level of disappointment when I'm scrolling and see "Robin Hood:" and it's "Prince of Thieves" and not "Men In Tights"

   Apparently Monica Lewinsky can never be a doctor because she sucked as an intern.

   My wish for you is to get genit@l w@rts from Honey Boo's momma. But I mean that in a nice way...

   Guys... Controlling your woman when she is mad is easy... Just tell her she's overreacting. She will then realize you're right and calm right down.

   I kissed with an ohmless girl last night............. There was very little resistance

   I'm developing a reality series featuring older divorcées that live in "pink houses" in the woods competing for breast implants. I'm calling it "Cougar Melon Camp."

   I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use Real dinosaurs...

   Just applied for a job at a beauty salon so I can get paid to give women facials.

   When someone tells your their birthday, you immediately add 3 months to see when their parents screwed. Everyone does that, right?

   I'm looking for a few women to form a playgroup on weekday afternoons....... No kids, please.......

   24 hours in a day... Except on Monday. That b*tch has at least 50.

   Just donated my body to science. I'm your problem now, science and I could use some hot wings and beer.

   If the Mayans have taught us anything, it is that if you don't finish something, it's not the end of the world.

   I'll never join one of those dating sites. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. By alcohol & bad decisions.

   I'm not sick, I'm twisted. Sick makes it sound like there's a cure...

   She's never speechless. Well except for when I shove her panties in her mouth...

   How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?

   I don't mean to brag... but I'm a pretty damn formidable peek-a-boo opponent