Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sweet Jesus Christ. If I send you a text it's because I don't WANT you to call me.

   I hate it when I'm being taken seriously at the wrong time.

   I'm white, but I'm not "have babies on purpose" white.

   I asked my wife if anything was wrong and she said "yes" and I'm completely lost, I've never played the game like this before.

   Ok so my cart tapped your ass.. Whatever guy in front of me! I see your crocs... That's probably the most action you've gotten in months.

   My warning label would simply read: Take me regularly. In case of overdose, enjoy.

   It's a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren't lesbian and dating. Imagine if they broke up.

   I've done a lot of stupid stuff in my life, but at least I've never signed up at the gym in January.

   How is Hillary's head? Not as good as Monica's

   I bet Kim Kardashian & Kanya kid will be nicknamed "KKK"

   wonders what guys did before baseball was created to tell how far they had gone with a girl.

   No Microsoft, I don't want to Send an Error Report. Snitches get stitches.

   Why is it called common sense? it should be called sense because it's not that common any more

   Talk to me long enough and you'll realize why I'm single.

   Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He's never gonna give you Up.

   I was trying to make a sandwich. But I'm all out of vodka.

   Dear young guys who don't know what Cougars are: Let me introduce myself.

   I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to bang the hell out of her.

   I didn't lose a follower I gained an enemy.

   I've run out of fingers & toes to count the reasons of why I'm going to hell.