Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   going downtown to throw snowballs at random pedestrians in an,attempt to make a couple friends who understand what I'm going through.

   So, I hear there was a big party last night to watch Justin Bieber's balls drop.

   can't they put some damn rails up along the subway tracks in NYC???

   "All I want for Chrithmath is my two front teeth.... " - Mike Tyson

   I've counted 8 people so far whose New Year's resolutions include "loose weight". Can I add spelling to your list too?

   Started off 2013 right by hitting the gym bright and early, mainly because they wouldn't cancel my membership over the phone.

   Since I'm so good at failing to fullfill my resolutions, this year my resolutions are to be unhealthy, avoid the gym, pay my bills late and have more sex with ugly girls.

   I used to be a people person, but apparently collecting people in your basement is frowned upon.

   Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I'm hesitant to start the car.

   Took out my Christmas tree to curb and dropped needles like a heroin addict in NY all over over floor. .

   Im gonna try to lose weight with this new chinese diet, eat all you can... using one chopstick

   AACK! I just realized that I'm still "it" from a game of tag in 1996. Ohhhh it is ON!

   I put my pants on just like every other man... With my woman telling me I'm doing it all wrong.

   "I'm still writing 2012 on all my Czechs." -Guy who likes writing on people from Central Europe

   I remember 2012 like it was yesterday…

   Shout out to all the girls that got pregnant last night and don't know it yet

   'The Hangover' playing over & over on TV. Well played TBS

   Kim Kardashian is 32 & she's pregnant, but y'all hoes be 16 with 4 kids and no baby daddy.. & y'all calling her a s?ut? PLEASE, have a seat.

   So TD Bank is marketing 'free pens' as a way to attract new clients......what!?!? no chained pens? Will see how long that will last when school starts.

   RIP 2012 (2012-2012)