JOser Funny Status Messages

   I just LeBron Jamesed my pants. Is that a thing yet?

   FACEBOOK ALERT: Lebron James is now in a relationship with Lebron James.

   How many crap loads are there in a sh*t ton again? cuz that's exactly how Cleveland feels like right now...

   the only horoscope you will ever need goes like this: Planets are doing stuff, so it's a good day to do stuff but be prepared in case bad stuff happens.

   you shouldn't listen to other people's foolishness. You should listen to mine.

   Happiness is spelled C-A-S-H

   Who's the genius that gave the police sirens?

   Why's Lil Wayne still in Jail? Someone should work on breaking him out. Call T-Pain, I hear he has a boat.

   The most tedious part of being an Afghani phone sex operator is describing what I'm wearing.

   Can someone please check on Cleveland? I'm concerned because they've been in the bathroom a long time.

   Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle.

   "I'm not drunk!" is an argument only very drunk people think they can win

   I can't wait till my son is old enough for me to hide a dirty magazine under his mattress for his mom to find.

   Whoever's in charge of telling old men when they have weird, long hairs growing out of their eyebrows/ears should be fired.

   You think not drinking sucks? Try being the only sober guy in a 3am game of Texas Hold 'Em!

   A completely unattractive woman is hitting on me at the bar. I'd drink until she's cute but the bar closes in 9 hours...

   The fact that I don't feel an ant crawling on me until it bites me makes me think that ninja school I went to was a total sham.

   If you're 17 and your 200 year old lover won't turn you into a vampire so you can be together forever, he's just not that into you... Take the hint you dumn b*tch...

   The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.

   Just saw a girl in a regular wheelchair holding onto her boyfriend's motorized wheelchair. Dude, she's totally using you!!