Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   11.Tonight on ABC starting at 10: Fasten your seat belts as the dynamic Ryan Seacrest spends two hours telling us what time it is!

   15.Now that I finally remembered to write 2012 as the date, I need to start writing 2013.

   My resolutions are the same as last year: try to make it all the way through, or not, whatever.

   All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.

   Todays brain is brought to you by new sponsers. Yesterdays medical alcohol.

   If you're nice to an animal, it loves you for life. If you're nice to a woman, who the hell knows what's gonna happen.

   This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.

   Everyone loves "sexy mom" except her kids

   my new years resolution is to keep my my new years resolution!

   Where the heck is that "Polka" button on Facebook that everyone keeps talking about?! I have my accordion and I'm ready to boogie.

   Anyone else agree that the facebook community is comprised of 98% m0rons, and the other 2% haven't figured out a way to log on?

   if we've learned anything from kanye west, its that hes definitely going to name his baby blue ivy

   boy, the day flys by when you do something you love. Like sleep till Noon...

   ‎2013 is the chinese year of the snake. I hope I can quit putting dragon on my checks

   Kim and Kanye respectfully request as little privacy as you can give them during this blessed event...

   Kanye West must feel very conflicted right now. He's excited Kim is pregnant, but deep down he knows Beyonce had the best baby of all time.

   Meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Wednesday because this is bulls**t."

   Do you like Dragons? Cause in a minute I'll be dragon my balls across your face.

   Women come in two types: batsiht crazy and hot enough to ignore the batsiht crazy…

   If I see one more girl create a Facebook profile for her unborn child, I will not hesitate to make a profile as a coat hanger and poke it