Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girls who pretend to act stupid because they think it's cute need to be slapped in the face with a brick

   One of the hardest things to do when you're playing toys with a 5yr old is to let him beat up ur superman action figure with the robinaction figure he's using without explaining to him why that would nevereverevereverfuckinghappen....ever

   Bourbon is the elixer of the gods. Therefore, I'm not an alcoholic - I'm divine.

   Nicki Minaj looks like an unlocked character that you get on the last level of Mortal Kombat.

   OK girls...we aren't ignoring you, we are not being disrespectful, we hear the phone ringing, we hear the text notification!! We still love you, thank you for all you do.....So go shopping or get your nails done, go out with the girls or get something wax

   I bet if we got congress high there would be so many solutions and a new budget for Doritos

   Guys be quiet I'm calling my mom!..... person in background: "PASS THE WEED!"

   we only have 1 day left to make kony 2012 happen

   Relationships are kinda like hamburgers on TV. They look good, but in real life, they're not that great.

   Mother: Clean your room, family is coming over. Me: Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize the gathering would be held in my bedroom.

   If your spouse was there for you when you were broke, and they were there for you when you lost your job, and they were there for you when the bank took your house, you should probably get a divorce and look for a new spouse because this one is bad luck.

   How do you say Tony Romo in Spanish? Mark Sanchez

   Apparently reenacting scenes from the deadliest catch is frowned upon at the Red Lobster.

   Kim Kardashian is reproducing. It's Kim's egg mixed with Kanyes' seed. Touche' Mayans.

   I've ignored you for 4 years and you still haven't taken the hint... this is a serious stalker problem

   i hate it when people say two wrongs don't make a right. A right and a wrong don't make a right either.

   A pregnant Khadarshian is the last thing the world need right now, let alone pregnant by Kanye West. Reminds me of that reproducing mother Alien in he Aliens movie.

   I almost got into a car accident, but luckily no one saw me hit the other car

   No pants are the best pants.

   Celebrity pregnancy announcements are a fantastic reminder for me to take my birth control pills.