Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For my birthday I asked jesus for a bike, but realized he didnt work like that. So I stole one and asked for forgivness.

   Everything magically appears when your mom looks for it.

   Just saw a kid in wal-mart pick up a Justin Beiber CD and pummel it into the floor screaming like a wild man... My faith in our nations youth has been restored.

   if i'm not funny, amusing, or entertaining in any way there is no refund

   If you see an onion ring…answer it!

   Sometimes wishes he was deaf, so all her nagging would look like a funny dance!

   the weatherman is predicting some frosted flakes in the morning...he better mean breakfast

   If you're gonna tell me a story that invokes the phrase "robbed a sex shop" you have my full attention...

   My wife crashed the car this morning. When the police came she said the guy involved was on his mobile and eating at the time. The police advised her the guy was entitled to do what he wanted in his own conservatory

   I wish nude pics had a self-destruct option when you break-up.

   Up to this year, there's a reality T.V. show about everything except reality.

   Just took some cough syrup. I made that scrunchie face and shook my head just like I was a little kid.

   The reality is men have no idea what women want... and women have no idea what women want

   Guess I can take the mistletoe off my belt buckle now.

   if you use your x-box to workout, you realize your house smells like a$$, don't you??

   last night this guy c ummed in his pants when we were just making out.. Epic fail

   I met a girl last night who had Ed Zachary disease. Her snatch smelled Ed Zachary like her a$$...

   Fact: zoning out is your brain's way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”

   You say “I'm sorry,” I hear “I surrender.”

   I once bought shoes in China that said “made around the corner”