Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you DIE, your True friends will cry. While your Best friends will collect 7 Dragon Balls, just to bring your life back...

   Just bought an artificial Christmas tree and the clerk asks me, “Will you be putting this up yourself?” “NO YOU SICK CRAZY NUT!! I'm putting it up in my living room!”

   What did the elephant say to the naked man? I don't know how you manage to breathe through that thing.

   Rationally, I now understand that my parents were always Santa, but I still don't get how they made it to all those houses in one night.

   Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?

   Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman, always be Batman.

   I stopped believing for just a few minutes. Now Journey is all pissed at me.

   The Mars Rover sends a signal to Earth from the edge of space and my cell phone cant go under a bridge without dropping a call? Screw you Sprint!

   Nothing makes me want to leave a web page more than a popup window saying, "Are you sure you want to leave this page?"

   In a prefect world Taco Bell would deliver...

   I wish my personality allowed me to write deep and meaningful statuses sometimes, oh well. Titties!

   i'm gonna quit thankgiving cold turkey.

   Was in the K-Mart earlier and noticed they have Barack Obama Christmas Ornaments. Seems it's fashionable again to hang black people from a tree.

   Sometimes... when I'm bored, I lay on the kitchen floor and pretend to be a crumb (o O)

   Did you know that if you watch Twilight backwards... it's still crap.

   Dear Victoria's Secret engineers. Bubble wrap panties..... make it happen.

   How to you make a dish washer into a snow blower? Give the woman a shovel

   Adele: "I set fire to the rain!" Spongebob: "That's nothing... I make campfires underwater."

   You know your getting old when you drop something on the floor and instead picking it right back up, you just stare at it for a minute or two...

   just because you're on vacation doesn't give you the right to take a picture of every cocktail or check in at every bar. That falls in the category of, "I could care less"