Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well played, anti-theft hotel hangers. But I took the rod too. Your move.

   obamacare is communism described as Health insurance.

   My wife's mother was here for Xmas dinner. My youngest says to me, "Hey Dad! When are you gonna do that trick?!?" "I said, "Do what trick?" He goes, "You know. You said if granny comes for Christmas you'd climb the walls!"

   F.Y.I. ~~ hand jobs from girls who speak sign language....do in fact, count as blow jobs

   In 10 years I'm opening a lower-back tattoo removal clinic called 'Mom What's That?'

   With all of my soul I am wishing you cheer; Happiness now and each day of next year... With all of my heart I am telling you too; It's been my pleasure reconnecting with you!! Have a Wonderful New Year My Friends!!!.

   This getting up at a time I don't want to get up and going to a place I don't want to be is really starting to feel like work.

   My love for bacon is kinda like diarrhea... I just can't hold it in ツ

   Dear Slut: If you need 2 different guys to date at the same time, please don't expect me to be one of them.

   The reality is that a lot of girls out there just aren't prepared for a nice, decent guy.

   How to be happy on social media- Ignore what you don't like!

   Why pay to watch the new Twilight movie when setting yourself on fire is free?

   If you ever decide to commit suicide by jumping from a building, the least you could do is wear a cape first.

   Slow drivers need to get out of the fast lane. Some of us are in a hurry to get home to be ignored by our wives.

   Step 1: Attach a mustache to your TV. Step 2: Drink every time it lines up with someone's face.

   How long do you have to leave the dishes sitting before they finally give in and wash themselves?

   Never hold your nose and cover your mouth while sneezing as it can blow out your eyeballs.

   i just found out liquid dayquil has alcohol in it.. no wonder I feel so good

   You lose the right of being a man when you hit a woman

   My wife is a mute. She communicates by embroidery. It's her own version of sign language, sew to speak....