Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If people could read my mind I'd get punched in the face a lot.

   You know you had lack of sleep when you go to put a hot dog bun in the toaster instead of a bagel ..

   Racism isn't about skin color. It's about behaving like an orangutan amped up on bath salts.

   Just got a new computer with 24" monitors at work! Sweet, now I can goof around in HD!

   Don't judge me for being materialistic until you've walked a mile in my fantastic Gucci suede shoes.

   Turning over a new LEAF doesn't mean I've changed~I'm still the same TREE~Jus using different branches to feel the sunshine in life~I've had enough of the shade

   I liked Seth Rogan better when he was George Costanza...

   Arguing with strangers on the internet is like the Special Olympics. You might win, but you're still retarded! :)

   so, Congress has known about this "fiscal cliff" situation for 2 years now and all of a sudden it's a crisis???

   Fire can be a faithful servant, like when cooking S'mores or raining down on 'Charlie'... ~~ Seymour Skinner

   B*tches be like "like if you're awake" and I'll be like "b*tch, it's only 11:23"!

   if George Takei starts asking a lot of questions does he become "curious George"?

   Jesus went to a dinner party on thursday, he woke up crucified on friday and he resurrected on sunday. Sounds a lot like my weekends.

   I guess the Mayans were Republicans, that would explain everything.

   If you received a Christmas gift, but you didn't p ost a picture of it on your FB wall, did you really receive a gift?

   This New Years should be the best ever...At midnight I plan on plunging over the "fiscal cliff" with only a party hat, kazoo and a "fiscal parachute" made from 4,000 Sham-Wow's. ツ

   When I was kid, werewolves and vampires were scary. Now everybody wants to date them...

   Marriage is probably the most sincere way to tell somebody, "I want to smell every dump you take for the rest of your life."

   Do these sweatpants and 5 extra pounds make me look like I'm in a relationship?

   Tell me where I stand so I can decide what to do with this grenade.