Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One man's Facebook crush is probably another man's nagging wife or girlfriend.

   It's so weird how some people have memorized the entire Bible yet managed to forget that pesky verse about not being all judgy.

   It's too bad religion doesn't have the same first rule as fight club.

   A huge part of success involves getting rid of people that drain your energy and surround yourself with positivity.

   If you think your child is annoying, imagine what I think.

   I won't believe Obama is black until he shows me his irresponsible father certificate.

   I strive to be like the ant - noble, virtuous, constantly at war with everything in the world around me!

   Everyone is a little more paranoid than they usually are when they're standing at an ATM.

   Katy Perry looks like if an emoticon came to life.

   Just saw a guy take the ice cream cone out of his kid's hand and started eating it, in case you're wondering how serial killers are made.

   Why would two people admit they like each other when they can spend time playing "Let's see who texts the other person first" instead.

   Reading the bible doesn't mean diddly squat if you are gonna go ahead and misinterpret it.

   This woman blowing me at the glory hole forgot to shave.

   My favorite Kardashian is the one who dies first.

   Coworker: How was your Christmas? Me: Fine Coworker: Aren't you gonna ask about mine? Me: Hell no!

   Okay, who is the jerk that decided to stop putting toys in cereal boxes?

   Ok, Christmas lights are up and ready for next year.

   If my wife thinks making me sleep on the couch is a punishment, she's going to feel so dumb when she sees this badass fort I made.

   Well then you'll never be the girl your father is.

   I have no super powers. I'm guessing I'm the villain.