Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This man's so impressed with my driving that he got next to me just to show me he's not wearing a ring. Thanks hon, but wrong finger..

   n't it about time The Kardashian's have an STD Named after them ?

   A friend told me "I think your brain is 80% movie clips." Without knowing what to day I started quoting Dumb and Dumber....AND TOTALY REDEEMED MYSELF!!

   It's the end of the year, as you know you have to spend all your Flex Spending Account Funds or lose them. Here's a list of the procedures I am thinking of having done... Mustache Implanting, Sideburn Bedazzling, Sun-visor Implant, & Eyeball Swap.

   Oop's just dropped my nuts!!

   says: Well, everyone was dreaming of a white Christmas and well, we got it... Just on a side note - I AM NOT IMPRESSED WITH YOU DREAMERS. NOT IMPRESSED AT ALL!! :(

   Can't believe i've made it all week without stabbing anyone in the neck with a pencil...

   the older you get, the better the binge...

   364 shopping days 'til Christmas and some people already have their lights up.

   Shout Out to the Kids in the Projects that left some Milk & Cookies out for Santa but the Roaches got to it first.

   "I must say the end of the year has kinda dragged on without new episodes of 'HERE COME HONEY BOO BOO!' every week"

   My niece and nephew are my choice of birth control. 100% effective.

   Dear douchebags; Take care of your Ladies, or some A**hole like me will sure do it for ya!

   Was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn't the right answer...

   I'm not sure who told bald guys they were required to have goatees, but they all fell for it.

   There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up... Unbelievable...

   my new pickup line "get in the car and no one will get hurt

   I can't sleep! I didn't forward a chain message earlier. Now I'm afraid that the dead girl will appear by my bedside while I'm sleeping : /

   This woman's so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she's not wearing a ring. Thanks hon, but wrong finger

   The Price Is Right losing horn should play every time you think you've found a parking space but it's actually filled by a small car or motorcycle