Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The worst part about being alone is I don't have anyone to get me a beer from the fridge

   Sunglasses – allowing perverts to stare at boobs they're never going to touch for decades.

   I greet all my daughter's boyfriends with, "I used to molest guys like you in prison."

   A lot of people are single because they value their peace of mind. Unhealthy relationships can be so damn stressful.

   Only 364 shopping days 'til Christmas!!

   A friend of mine called herself a geniust....yes your heard right, a geniust. I didn't have the heart to tell her.

   liking someone who doesn't like you back is the worst. esp when you think about them every damn day

   I go for religious girls cause if they believe that stuff imagine what you can get them to do.

   I watch horror movies to make sure I still have feelings.

   MERRY DEBTMAS EVERYONE!

   How much does it cost these days to make someone love you?

   I should've asked for eight maids a-milking.

   Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".

   Dont mistake my kindness for blindness.

   When you love someone you take interest in their interests or at least pretend to.

   Today is Boxing Day in Canada. Or, as we in America call it; WTF is Boxing Day??

   Wanna have crooked green teeth? Move to the UK, you wont be out of place there

   I'm re-enacting Titanic today, I'm at the part where Jack is in his underwear on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.

   According to my wife, if farting was a crime, I'd be on death row.

   I want all my family and friends here in N.Carolina to show your support for all our friends up north and join me for a "BLIZZARD" at dairy queen