Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I avoid making friends by being honest with people

   1: Turn on vacuum... 2: Fart as loud and long as you can.... 3: Blame smell on junk in vacuum bag.... 4:Twirl invisible handlebar mustache cause you're an evil genius...

   We are going to practice this chest bump celebration until we get it right, Grandma... Quit screwing around at the bottom of the staircase.

   Bucket list #33: Get a mouse dressed as a pirate to sit on your shoulder while you hand out Christmas gifts,, Also he should pretend to steer you holding a potato-chip.

   Heading into Wal-mart on Christmas Eve. If I don't make it out alive, I just want to say it has been great knowing you all.

   My ornaments are starting to droop. Yeah, time to ask Santa for a new bra.

   I told Santa what I wanted for Christmas, now I'm on the naughty list

   Just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.

   I'm so disappointed that a group of squid isn't called a squad.

   I don't smoke weed to escape reality. I smoke weed to enjoy reality even more.

   ROTFLSHIDMEN = Rolling On The Floor Laughing So Hard I Dropped My Egg Nog.

   twas the night before Christmas & all through the trailer park, not a creature was stirring, not even a dog's bark (redneck edition)

   Friendly Christmas Reminder: If you're telling a joke to a group of family members and friends, and no one laughs, there is NO need to REPEAT the joke a second time!

   Found the perfect stocking stuffer. Someone threw away a perfectly good prosthetic leg in the dumpster.

   I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I'll pop open the red and drink that.

   i don't get it...tonight theres millions of breaking & entering cases but nobody calls the police because they get bought off with presents

   Since that very first time I laid my eyes on you, I knew in that moment that I wanted to spend the rest of my life... avoiding you.

   I dont know if yall know but umm ...its Christmas time in Hollis Queens

   JUST saw Santa jumping from roof to roof with half a dozen cops behind him. Perhaps he lost his Reindeer and they're helping him find them?

   Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Slim Fast, all rubbish. You want to lose weight? Move to England. The food is horrid.