Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well unfortunately this year again, I didnt get to buy any kid's gift on Black Friday. So I'm getting them the usual Xmas present. A big pack of batteries and attach a card to it that says "Toys not Included"..... It's the thought that counts right?

   I'm not allowed to have caffeine after 9 because midnight dance-offs have a high casualty rate.

   No I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing at what I think of you.

   I may be on Santa's naughty list but at least I had fun getting there.

   My wife's safe word: "Not tonight"

   My Dad just called to give me the "I'm worried about your drinking" talk. We are going to meet-up and discuss it over a few beers.

   I wish there was a sarcasm font so people could read my humor and not be offended.

   why do some people have a uterus AND a mustache?

   Give me four hours with you and you'll know why god made you a woman.

   Stan: Cartman did you just say the F word?. Cartman: you mean J ew?

   I saved a TON of money this year by remaining single this Holiday Season !

   Not cool, midgets shopping at the mall during Christmas. Very confusing.

   If you're really happy, someone's probably lying to you about something.

   Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, that's more like it.

   9 out of 10 dentists choose....... to ask me if I smoked weed before the appointment.

   Making it rain on a stripper was just one in a handful of fiscally irresponsible decisions I've made in 2012. Gotta tighten up in '13.

   If you find a female driver who checks her side-view mirrors, marry her.

   christmas shopping online is confusing the kids..they see their toys being delivered one at a time. If the UPS guy would dress like Santa..problem solved.

   I snuck in my neighbor's house last night and ate up all their Christmas cookies. This secret Santa thing isn't so bad after all.

   Two Facebook addicts walk into a bar. One turns to the other and says.... ...nothing