Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saw a guy in a Prius run out of gas... instead of giving him a ride,, I sent him positive energy & world peace cause that means more to him.

   The only solution to a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. Banning guns is not the solution.

   Just had a moment with a cute girl, we locked eyes and sparks flew. Then she rolled off the hood of my car.

   You know when you're having sex and... well, I guess my question is, what's that like?

   My goal is to one day make it through an entire p orn movie.

   just unfollowed Taylor Swift on Twitter. Expecting a song within the hour

   I'm like a kid in the candy store when I shop for my x-mas presents at the liquor store.

   I hate going to bed on an empty v@gina :(

   Yes I'm that a$$hole who refuses to stand up and clap in a room filled with people standing and clapping.

   I like my men like I like my ice. Crushed and melts away within a reasonable time so I don't have to deal with it.

   I don't leave any room for error, I make mistakes in whatever room I'm in at the time.

   Can't we just sit and drink somewhere until they build a bar around us?

   I see your narcissism and raise you Vaingloriousness!

   What does 'Serious Misconduct' mean Is it fun? It sounds like fun Anyways, HR want to discuss it with me.

   If I was a terrorist I'd want 100 sluts instead of virgins in the afterlife. I don't want to be a "disappointing first" for that many women.

   I just found a jar in the fridge, with expiry date 21/12/2012. I looked at it twice, and indeed, it was mayannaise!

   I hate it when you wake upon mid-dream, and don't get to find out what happens next.

   Glad to hear we've all been picked up for another season.

   there an article somewhere online about how to tell your cell phone it only has a few days left to live?

   wondering...is it ironic to call a hug at the end of the first date the "kiss of death"?