Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   apparently people don't know how to read mayan in very well. it never said the world would end however I believe it said Wisconsin would close

   Congratulations, you survived the Mayan Disaster. Please resume your life. Thank you.

   OK Mayan's you missed out on these "END of world" predictions don't worry it's not like there is no tomorrow!!!!

   So when is the next end of the world???

   Mayans are the main reason why I have trust issues >=(

   The world isn't going to end today. Anyway, I'll check the status of my joke after the Winter Solstice, I can't get a signal in my nuclear bomb shelter...

   Happy Mayan new year!

   Hey girls who feel empty and inadequate unless they have a man; that's a lot of pressure on a creature that can't even piss inside a toilet bowl without missing.

   I know alcohol is never the answer, but it's always my best guess

   You can't be 100% sure a girl you're talking to on Twitter is really a girl til she gets completely furious at you for absolutely no reason.

   Chivalry never goes out of style. Open doors, pull out chairs, and offer to undo your own belts.

   R.I.P to all the virginity that will be lost tonight.

   How much doggy style do I have to do before I turn into a dog?

   I love a woman in a suit! Her birthday suit that is.

   Did we DIE???... omg is this hell???... oh we didn't, so youre telling me I'm just at work o_O... oh well carry on then

   If God didn't want me to have sex all the time, maybe he shouldn't have blessed me with this pretty huge d ick.

   The best part about working from home is the alcohol.

   I lost my virginity to a guy who said "just the tip"

   The Mayans were wrong so they must've been men!

   I'm so lazy I don't understand, I undersit.