Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was just stuffed in to a bag by a fat creepy guy in a red suit. alright! fess up! Who put me on their Christmas list?

   When you are mocking somebody, you are just trying to get rid of something embarrassing within you that makes you doing so.

   Man I hate Taylor Swift..I mean don't you wanna put her over your knee and spank her azz,,,her tight, firm, round azz,,,and pull her hair,,,her soft, flowing beautiful hair,,,man I love Taylor Swift.

   My next plan for Christmas shopping would be buying a couple of laptops to like my status on this ...

   Well, if this apocalypse doesn't work out, I hear there's a Jamaican calender that ends on 4/20 next year....

   As I scroll through my FB feed this holiday season, I find myself overcome with emotion and love. And then I remember I've had a lot of tequila and eggnog and I pass out on the floor.

   Sleeping naked tonight. I'm leaving this world the same way I entered it. Naked.

   Every year my calendar ends on December 31st and I buy a new one, today i've concluded the Mayans were too lazy to make a new one.

   Age is just a number ...and mine is unlisted .

   everyone's making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.

   Before we blame the Mayans let us ask ourselves; what if Bruce Willis and his crew are actually up there and they have successfully nuked the meteor

   The day you start looking forward to being abused in the nursing home is the day you realize your life sucks

   dear Myans, its ok to be wrong...its not like its the end of the world

   - My wife got us tickets to The Nutcracker for tomorrow night, so at this point I'm rooting for the Mayans.

   If EVERY radio station on Earth doesn't play R.E.M.'s "It's the end of the world as we know it(and I feel fine) at the PRECISE moment of the solstice...well then you 've really just wasted all of our time!

   "I'm gonna cramp your style." - Menstruation

   I don't date because I have a kitten. Making more than one pu$$y happy is hard I tell you.

   i'm not stalking, i'm making sure you're always ok.

   Text:I wanna be inside you. Reply: You were for 9 months. Sorry mom wrong number.

   The world won't end in 2012, Marty Mcfly has been to 2015