Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I'm good at cleaning.

   Beauty tip: Having a bad hair day? Solution: Wear a low cut blouse.

   Dear Santa, Please define good.

   If office printers weren't meant to fly they wouldn't have paper jams.

   The police man in my area is so rude. So I'm speeding. What's the big deal? How I'm supposed to drive a stolen car?

   I hate it when I tell someone I'll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway.

   Note to all my FB Friends: As we all know, the end of the world will be tomorrow. So with that being said.... I think you are all a bunch of idiots!

   My coworker, a Jehovah's Witness,, wouldn't attend the Christmas luncheon.. She took her bonus check though,, Maybe she's donating it to her church.

   I saw an ad on craigslist today that said “free firewood,, you collect it”.. So I wrote the guy and said “Bud, you just wrote an ad for the woods”

   I know I can go to NAPA to buy truck nuts... But where can I go to get my Prius vajazzled ??

   I think they should move the movie "2012" from the Science Fiction section to the Comedy Section.. It is already 21st of December in Australia and nothing happened.

   Every time I'm with you, I feel like I'm in lord of the rings cuz you're my precious

   Did you ever wonder if aliens secretly film people having sex, then make them into boring nature shows to show their kids on the Human Planet channel?

   It would suck if the world ended tomorrow simply because Jersey Shore's last episode is tonight!! No more Snookie!!

   Boring Apocalypse thus far. Seems like Ryan Seacrest should be hosting a "2012 A-Rock-Alypse Eve" show from Times Square or something.....

   Gonna be honest here since the world is ending: "Sailing" by Christopher Cross makes me emotional.

   End of the world headlines... National Enquirer: O.J. and Nicole, together again

   I'm gonna survive tomorrow cause I got a pack of sensu beans and all 7 dragonballs. I'm good.

   The end of the world is like a snow day for adults.

   Yo, Australia! Is the apocalypse happening? I need to know if the orgy I'm currently having is validated or if it will just make my husband upset.....