Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girlfriend texted me, "I have tried my best to make this relationship work but I seem to be the only one trying. So I have decided to break up with you and move on with my life. Can you delete my number and never contact me." I replied, "Who's this?"

   LIES PSYCHO WOMEN TELL: "I swear I have moved on"

   Dear world, please don't end till after after my four day weekend is complete. Thank you.

   thinks it'll just be my luck to win the Lottery tonight ...... and the world WILL end tomorrow!

   When the world ends tomorrow, I hope it is after 5:00 pm, because I won't get paid for the holiday if I don't work Friday.

   If you can't spell TATTOO your not old enough to get one. So get yourself a Sharpie and a crash helmet.

   "You know you´re fat when no one has ever mentioned that you´re ginger" - Adele

   I just spelled "diarrhea" correctly on my first try! I'd be more happy about this if it wasn't for all this diarrhea.

   How the Grinch Stole Christmas is my favorite holiday special about a burglar whose crimes go wholly unpunished.

   Ladies and Gentlemen, the end of the world has been postponed due to lack of interest .

   Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.

   Male lions fight to impress the females. Bears do it, crocodiles do it and even men do it. Moral of the story: Females get you killed!!

   Banning Ke$ha's song is almost as embarrassing as admitting you even play Ke$ha on your radio station!

   You look friendly. I'll go sit somewhere else.

   Boss: Why are you drinking wine at your desk? Me: Holiday party! Boss: What holiday party? Me: My point exactly you cheap old fart.

   Has someone cleared up what " Live everyday like its your last" actually involved exactly? Need to know today for real lol

   since the world is ending tomorrow you should send pictures of your breasts now before it's too late

   I hate when girls start fights over stupid shi t like whether or not the kid is mine.

   Why does paper beat rock? if you hold a paper in front of your face and I throw a rock at it who wins?

   Anybody else watch the Miss Universe contest last night???? I still say its riged, I have never seen anyone from another universe in that contest!!!