Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yeah the israelis want peace alright...a piece of more land.

   Why has no one invented a drink called "tequila mocking bird"? Oh wait! I just did ;-) Your welcome!

   My new years Resolution to survive the end of the world and be sane.

   I think we are taking the end of the world really well.

   Some people were dropped as a baby, but you were clearly thrown at a wall.

   People are insane psychiatric wards are nice really cool jackets that make you hug yourself and they tell you your special.

   Lots of people out sick today. There's that new virus going around-- Unused Sick Days, apparently it's very contagious.

   The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren't going to see me 7 more times before then.

   Dear Santa, us big girls like toys too just put them in the second drawer of my nightstand!

   Dear Santa, us big girls like toys too just put them in the second drawer of my nightstand!

   When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.

   NEWS FLASH: Scientists still baffled by Canadians' ability to watch movies, own guns, and play video games,,, but not shoot each other.

   One of my favorite things about this time of year is seeing all the pictures of children screaming in sheer terror as their parents try to capture that special moment with Santa.

   So I'm flying to England and the flight attendant asks me if I want dinner. I asked her what my choices were. She said, "Yes or no."

   Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

   It's never too early to set something on fire.

   If you listen closely to your body while working out, you can hear the calories singing "Just gonna stand there and watch me burn".

   I like to keep the security people at places like Best Buy, etc on their toes. Therefore, when I am leaving after having made a purchase and my item(s) still sets off the alarm, I will always take off running like a bat out of hell. Merry XMas!

   It's amazing how a little p0rn, masturbation, and a 20 minute nap can change your disposition.

   No, I won't hold your hand, but I'll hold your leash.