Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just yelled at the kids to go to bed, saying "Don't make me come in there!". Which is what I should've told myself during their conception.

   Don't mistake post sex cuddling for “I want you to be my girlfriend.”

   Ladies: When you paint your toe nails, please shave the hair off your big toe. Thanks.

   Ever notice how white women over 40 can't dance without clapping?

   I "don't lock my phone," love you.

   If you can spell chlamydia or gonorrhea without spell check, my money is on you having had it a time or 10 too many.

   The only way your world is ending on the 21st is if you get married that day.

   My ex-wife said she was getting fat, had wrinkles and look old… So I said “But your eyesight is perfect”

   I'm not the one to come to with weight problems. This girl's like, 'My legs are so fat.' I say, 'No, they're in proportion to your arms'

   If I was a billionaire, I would fly all over the world in my private jet helping poor people, feeding hungry kids, and b itches.

   I love tequila because I like where I wake up to be a surprise.

   You call it slutty,I call it friendly with a chance of blow jobs.

   Hey! I just met you, and this is crazy, but you had 6 beers and here's your bill, so pay me maybe. - funny bartender

   I'm making a list of all the things I'm throwing away before the new year including people.

   ''Live this friday like it was your last.'' - The Mayans

   You're a woman, obviously you don't understand yourself either.

   Don't think we didn't notice you deleted your status when no one liked it

   I don't know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

   Got 99 problems but your being so hot can solve sex of them.

   Your attitude was so bad I decided to make it goo by giving you a double standing ovation..... with both my middle fingers