Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Got my new Chinese cookbook today...."101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"

   I just high-fived a Jedi. Ok, it was an Ewok. Or a midget. I just slapped a kid in the head. Whatever. I wish I knew a Jedi.

   It's getting to be that time of year again where we sit around a dead tree and eat candy from old socks.

   Kelli Clarkson is getting married. I guess she can get extra fat now...

   Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.

   C'mon Lotto! I just want to be rich enough for Morgan Freeman to follow me around and narrate my life in real time.

   Dear Dude, who's slowly walking towards me at the park bench, dragging his one leg and can't keep his balance. Please be drunk and not a zombie.

   All I'm saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.

   Not making a Mexican joke today was one of my Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooals

   How much longer do you guys think Renée Zellweger can hold in that fart ?

   Ladies: Nothing says "B*tch Don't F*ck With Me" more than, tucking your tampon behind your ear like a cigarette.

   Do you know what keeps me up at night? Knowing some of you guys are real.

   - You don't update your stat us much anymore. "I know" - Why? "I don't know" - Is everything alright? "Can't You Just Be Happy for Me!?"

   I go to the Doctor daily,,,,,,,,, Cuz I just couldn't stand having to eat anymore apples

   If making guns illegal will get them off the street why don't we make drugs illegal?!? Oh wait......

   I drank all weekend and now I'm on my beeriod...

   One rogue human being out of seven billion loses it and goes berserk and suddenly all humanity must be condemned?

   Dear Lord, if you can't give me a six pack, at least give this other people a pot-belly...thanks!

   Judging by the disproportionate size of Popeye's forearms, I'm guessing Olive Oyl just supplied the oil.

   Judging by how many people brazenly wander into traffic while staring at their phone, there must be some force-field app I don't know about.