Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jesus take the wheel ~ Mexicans stripping a car

   Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it's none of my damn business.

   "I don't want to cheat but I'd like to have sex again" ~The Paradox of Marriage

   If I had boobs, I'd never be able to look up again.

   NASA has confirmed that December 21, late afternoon, the sky will be very dark. It is an interesting phenomenon called "night".

   Few things stress me out as much as a waiter who doesn't write the order down.

   I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes CLOSED !

   Went from Being Single to.... In a Relationship with God.

   When I was a kid, my brother would say stuff to me like, "My mom can be@t up ur mom!"

   Nothing's driving me insane. Insane is in the passenger seat screaming for it's dear life.

   I wish every time someone did the Gangnam Style dance they instantly got struck by lightning.

   I have spent almost half of my life trying to come up with new ways to get out of things and situations.

   I just said to myself how life would be simpler without technology and my iPhone said "Ya right" and we laughed and laughed and wrote this status.

   Never depend on someone or something to make you happy. For example, I was happy while eating the pizza but once it was finished I became sad and lonely.

   People!! I have been watching the news the last few days. Now, I never took journalism class, but I'm petty sure "Don't Interview Traumatized Children" came right before "Learn To Spell".

   My girlfriend makes me wanna be a better boyfriend...so I can get a better girlfriend.

   ♫ Loving you is easy because you're slightly attractive and I've been drinking a lot, doot-n-doot-n-do-doo Ah.... ♫

   I hope when I get to hell, I'll be the guy that gets picked to torture these Westboro Baptist pricks. That would be Heaven for me!!!

   Yes honey. Everyone is in fact, out to get (away from) you.

   Time to find a girlfriend.....I think my hand has been stepping out on me.